When I long for what was never really there,
When I close my eyes to access my memories, desperately searching for a file that doesn’t exist,
When I yearn for moments that live in my dreams,
When I make excuses for all that was, and all that couldn’t be,
When my throat is swollen and tight,
When the tears that stream down my face taste like childhood,
When my stomach aches with hollow grief,
When I am cradled in another’s arms,
When I hold my children and caress the lines of their faces,
When I feel like I have to do it all on my own,
When I feel so disconnected I wonder how we were ever connected by the same cord,
When loving you hurts …
I remember choosing you.
I remember accepting the challenge.
I remember not being wanted, but deciding to come anyway.
I remember loving you, through it all.
I remember looking up at you.
And then towards you.
And now back at you.
But never down on you.
I love you, even though it hurts.
I will always love you.
I will always hold onto hope.
And maybe, in heaven or this lifetime, or another way, we get to try again.
I’ll choose you again.
I’ll finally feel your warms wrap around me.
I’ll hear your real voice.
I’ll listen to your story.
I’ll see your pure soul.
I’ll witness your true love.
We’ll get to try again.
We will be safe.
We will be happy.
And we will be free.